Confidence and the voice

The other night I, I took part in a jam session here in New York City. It wasn't the typical sort of jam where the tunes are predetermined. This was a free jazz jam and there were a bunch of horns: Trumpet, alto and tenor saxophone, trumpet, flugelhorn and flute. Later came a guitarist too.

The drummer at the jam asked me to sit in, alongside all the horns. It made me a little nervous because I've performed at myriad jam sessions over the years but never in this way. I didn't know if my voice would cut through and if I'd be able to say something. The drummer said "Oh, come on...!"

I walked with him downstairs and let the horns + rhythm section start. A few minutes later, he looked my way and I took a deep breathe. I walked to the stage and I decided...just go for it. What the hell. I grabbed the microphone and let out a wail in my high register and threw in a rhythmic line in complete contrast to what they were playing. It turned the music around. Everyone went my way...and we started to make music. The horns accepted me and sometimes gave me some space and when they didn't I asserted myself when it felt right to do so.

It was a liberating experience. I threw myself outthere and it felt great. I'll never be afraid to to try this again and experiences like these, each time I or we push ourselves just a little bit more - we find out what we can do. I discovered again that when I make a strong statement, people tend to listen. Shake them awake. Let the chandelier rock off the ceiling. Let it crash. It's OK.

Filter

I used to live in Amsterdam, the Netherlands and this will come up often because, you see, I worked alot of shit out when I lived there. For all sorts of reasons, I owe a great debt for my musical development to my 8 year stay in that great little city. I didn't always appreciate it then...but boy do I now. I learned great lessons while I lived there and I'd like to start off the blog with one lesson that is central to my way of doing things and to this blog.

Life Lesson: Anton Goudsmit.

Anton Goudsmit is a guitarist who played in my Amsterdam based band for about 31/2 years. We met through my husband whom had taken a few lessons from Anton some years before. I had heard Anton live a couple of times and I liked his playing. He also exploded on stage. At the time I was working with a Barcelona-based guitarist named Pere Soto and he was in Amsterdam, considering a permanent move. I wasn't looking for anyone then...and anyway I mostly worked with pianists at this time. Working with the Pere, I began to see the possibilities of using the guitar with my voice. I thought it offered more space and it could distort itself with colors and sounds that pianists can rarely do. I also found it sexy. Guitarist have a different posture and express the music in their bodies clearer.

Anton certainly could do that with the music and more. A few years later I hooked up with Anton for a couple small gigs, playing mainly standards with little rehearsals. I didn't know it then yet the music was changing for me. I started writing and wanted to hear my words more, my voice more. I was busy searching for my own sound, beginning to tire of the jazz mannerisms that had latched on and I didn't know how to shake them off.

Anton and I connected immediately and started working together shortly thereafter. after. I asked him to be on my second recording for the Dutch label Timeless Records. That worked like a dream. Everything fell into place on the recording. I asked him to be part of a new band I forming. He was happy to take part...

Anton is a very special person. I can best describe him as the perennially good side of a 10 year-old with all the greatest of intentions. He is a warm, carefree, fun-loving, open, brutally honest and creative person who was, is always in the moment. Sometimes you try to have a conversation with him and he veers off looking at some clouds while he contorts is face in a weird way, just like a 10 year old. Then he's back, dead serious, looking at you straight in the eye. Always present. This made the experience of playing with him a gift because I never knew what would happen. He showed me the pure joy that lay in just expressing oneself in the moment and how an audience reacts to that. Audiences LOVE him. Anton had no filter.

This fascinated me and flabbergasted many. You watched him play and he gave himself up to it. All the time. He had his rare off days and then he channeled it through the music. His completely honest feelings. He and I talked about it as best we could. You see, he never gave the thing a thought. It's just how he was. Same off stage. Same onstage. I wanted to understand how to be that way. It became clear to me that this is the way to be. No buttoned up sentiments with walls in between me and the audience. The real thing - connection. I too sought to be more honest in my expression. I wanted to express ME. whatever that is. Anton showed me the door and took me there sometimes even but I needed more time to walk through. When I returned to New York nearly 5 years ago, with the lesson of him fermenting...I wasn't ready but I worked on opening up and expressing myself in a more honest way. Ugly, sad, happy, angry, loud, strong, vulnerable, sassy, sexy, political, analytical, spiritual, small, big, historical, bad, righteous and bawdy. Everyday I get closer and lately I feel like I'm almost there. I'm not tracking it, mind you. Just looking at it. Just feeling it. How I relax more before I sing. How I KNOW things will work. How sure I've become of sounding like myself closer and closer to 100% of the time. I owe Anton big for that.

He plays alot in a band called the New Cool Collective. You can check him out here -